D.A.M.H.I.D.
For everyone who has ever been asked how they are by a total stranger and had to run the whole calculation before answering.
A society dedicated to the eradication of mindless politeness.
Who this is for
Neurodivergent people, mostly. Anyone else who is tired of the script is welcome too.
Most people answer “how ya doin?” without noticing they were asked. It costs them nothing. For a lot of us it is not automatic at all. You have to work out what they meant, what they want, how honest you are allowed to be, and how long you have to hold the expression while you decide.
That is a full piece of work, several times a day, for a question nobody actually wanted answered.
The thinking
The best way to change an unwanted behavior is to change our response to it.
“How ya doin?” between two strangers is a mindless polite moment. It wastes time. It causes needless anxiety. And the only reason anyone has ever given me for why it has to be asked is that it is the polite thing to do, and we have always done it.
Nobody chose that rule. We inherited it. And the people it costs the most are the people who were never consulted about it.
The only way to stop people randomly asking strangers this is to stop answering it.
If a friend asks how you are doing, they want to know, and that is a different conversation entirely. This is not about refusing connection. It is about refusing a script that costs some of us a great deal and gives nobody anything. Guidance on the friend version is coming.
This is a work in progress, and that is the invitation.
D.A.M.H.I.D. is still being figured out, which is exactly why now is the moment to join rather than later. The rules are not written yet, so you get a say in them.
If you have spent your life being told you are the one getting this wrong, you already know more about it than I do. Come and tell me.
Join the movement
Email me and put DAMHID in the subject line. The button does that bit for you, so there is one less thing to remember.
Email to join → [email protected]Get the rules as they are written
D.A.M.H.I.D. is still being figured out. Join the list and you get it as it happens, and a say in where it goes.
No spam, no scripts, no small talk.